I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
