i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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