Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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