Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Barsexuality is the new black.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
