last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
