i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
