i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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