I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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