I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
