My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Watching her eat just hurts me
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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