The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
