The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize