The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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