You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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