im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
