I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
