I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
