Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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