What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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