so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
They took my balls.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
