direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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