i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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