I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
