i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
