I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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