Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
