Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
