When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
