i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
