Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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