you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
