Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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