where am i from again
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
