We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My breasts were aching with rage.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
