Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
