My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
