Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My balls are so social today.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
