I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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