Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
