Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize