This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
