Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I touched a dick in church today
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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