i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
