No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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