wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
