Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
