i don't like sucking hair
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Come see our sink grown plant.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
