Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Randomize
