How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
