Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
