if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
