I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
