he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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