I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
