remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
