Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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