she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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