If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
