i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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