I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
