I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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